NFL FanHouse

Tony Kornheiser Goes on Vacation, Washington Post Radio Tanks

Michael David Smith — Fri, 27 Jul 2007 07:47:00 EST

Filed under: Kornheiser Chronicles, NFL Media Watch, Washington, DC

How good is Tony Kornheiser on the radio? So good that the fact that he took a hiatus from his local show could be the downfall of a major radio operation.

Harry Jaffe of the Washingtonian reports that the Washington Post Co. plans to close its radio arm, and Kornheiser leaving was the straw that broke the camel's back:

the only thing that brought throngs of ears to 1500 AM was Tony Kornheiser's morning gab fest about sports, music, or whatever he fancied. Tony left last month for vacation and then Monday Night Football, and Post Radio ratings tanked.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Kornheiser is great on the radio, very good on Pardon the Interruption, and terrible on Monday Night Football. That he persists in taking time off where he's great to spend time where he's terrible is a real shame.

Hat tip: Romenesko.

Tony Kornheiser Goes on Vacation, Washington Post Radio Tanks originally appeared on NFL FanHouse on Fri, 27 Jul 2007 07:47:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Joe Theismann Calls Kornheiser 'Extremely Neurotic,' Says MNF, PTI Shouldn't Mix

Michael David Smith — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 17:18:00 EST

Filed under: NFL Gossip, NFL Rumors, Kornheiser Chronicles, NFL Media Watch

Joe Theismann was dismissed by ESPN as a Monday Night Football analyst this off-season, and in an interview with Metro Boston News, he spoke at length about his dismissal for the first time. Although Theismann has no ill will toward the man who replaced him, Ron Jaworski, he doesn't sound all that keen on his former booth-mate, Tony Kornheiser:

I'm not happy with what happened. ... Tony is extremely neurotic. ... I believe, 100 percent that you cannot insult the football fan. "Monday Night Football" is about football, and I hope that they continue to deliver that product to the fan. "Monday Night Football" cannot be an extension of "Pardon The Interruption," because the game is too important.

The problem with Kornheiser last year wasn't that he was neurotic, and it wasn't that he turned MNF into PTI. The problem was that none of Kornheiser's humor and insight on PTI translated to the MNF booth. He would show up to the Monday night booth ill-prepared, ignorant of even the most basic facts about the teams, and relying solely on scripted lines for his lame attempts at humor.

Nevertheless, few fans will dispute that Jaworski is an improvement over Theismann. Jaworski is the best in the business at breaking down game tape and explaining the intricacies of quarterback play in a way that the average fan can understand, and the Monday night booth should be better because of his presence.

Joe Theismann Calls Kornheiser 'Extremely Neurotic,' Says MNF, PTI Shouldn't Mix originally appeared on NFL FanHouse on Fri, 22 Jun 2007 17:18:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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Too Close to Tony Kornheiser? ESPN Ombudsman Responds

Michael David Smith — Fri, 06 Apr 2007 08:06:00 EST

Filed under: Kornheiser Chronicles, NFL Media Watch

Yesterday I noted my disappointment that ESPN's new ombudsman, Le Anne Schreiber, has a prior working relationship with Tony Kornheiser -- just like ESPN's previous ombudsman. Via e-mail, Schreiber responded:

Michael,
What can I say? I worked with Tony Kornheiser for three years ending in 1980. As his editor, I appreciated his talent. I also gave him lots of grief. I haven't seen him since. I don't think it will be difficult for me to assess his work objectively. I admit to enjoying PTI. I will have to see how the new lineup works on MNF. As I said in my column, anyone who has been in sports journalism more recently than I would be likely to have significant conflicts of interest, My one 26-year-old overlap happens to be Tony K.
Best,
Le Anne Schreiber

Schreiber sounds reasonable, and I liked her debut column. I hope when she says she'll see how the new lineup works on MNF, she means she'll thoroughly explore what ESPN is doing with its most expensive and most popular property. Replacing Joe Theismann with Ron Jaworski was a great step in the right direction. Now Kornheiser needs to improve.

Too Close to Tony Kornheiser? ESPN Ombudsman Responds originally appeared on NFL FanHouse on Fri, 06 Apr 2007 08:06:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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ESPN's New Ombudsman Another Tony Kornheiser Pal

Michael David Smith — Thu, 05 Apr 2007 19:43:00 EST

Filed under: Kornheiser Chronicles, NFL Media Watch

Tony Kornheiser might be ESPN's highest-profile employee. He's a commentator on Monday Night Football, which is by far the network's most popular live sporting event, and he's the co-host of Pardon the Interruption, which is the most influential of the network's many opinion-oriented chat shows.

Those two shows provide a fascinating contrast. On PTI Kornheiser is great: He's articulate, intelligent, provocative and funny. On MNF he's terrible: He comes into the booth unprepared and ignorant of basic information about the teams, he reacts to live action with scripted lines, and he distracts from the game on the field with frivolous allusions to pop culture and lame attempts at humor.

Fortunately, ESPN has an ombudsman, a person whose job is to provide, in ESPN's own words, "independent examination and analysis of ESPN's media outlets." So, naturally, that ombudsman would be the perfect person to examine and analyze Kornheiser, and try to break down what it is about him that makes him great on one show and terrible on another. Right?
Wrong. ESPN has had two ombudsmen. The first, George Solomon, was previously sports editor at the Washington Post, where he edited Kornheiser's columns. That prior relationship negated any possibility of reading an ombudsman's column that took an in-depth look at Kornheiser. Now Solomon is gone, and ESPN has replaced him with Le Anne Schreiber. Surely, Schreiber will finally give us that independent examination and analysis of Kornheiser we all want. Right?

Wrong again. In her debut column today, Schreiber mentions that she previously served as sports editor at the New York Times. She then writes,

And I will add that my one significant overlap with present-day ESPN arises from those days, when it was both my pleasure and my grief to be the young Tony Kornheiser's boss at The New York Times. Why grief? Because The Times kept pressuring me to make Tony more Timesian, and Tony kept pressuring me to make the Times more Tonian. My failure in both directions led to the parting of Tony and The Times, which was no doubt for the best of both those institutions.

So we have, again, an ESPN ombudsman who is incapable of a fresh look at Kornheiser because of a previous working relationship with Kornheiser. There are many places on the web where you can get independent examination and analysis of Kornheiser's work. But it's a shame that the ESPN ombudsman will not be one of them.

UPDATE: Too Close to Tony Kornheiser? ESPN Ombudsman Responds

ESPN's New Ombudsman Another Tony Kornheiser Pal originally appeared on NFL FanHouse on Thu, 05 Apr 2007 19:43:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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I Want to Fight a Man Named Norby

mjd — Wed, 10 Jan 2007 18:44:00 EST

Filed under: Kornheiser Chronicles, NFL Media Watch

Norby Williamson is the name of the gentleman at ESPN who confirmed that Tony Kornheiser will be returning for another season of Monday Night Football next year, and thus, Norby and I have issues. If I ever meet a man named Norby, and he introduces himself and says, "Hello, I'm Norby--", he will get punched in the mouth before he's finished pronouncing his last name.

That is how much I hate the decision to bring Kornheiser back.

I don't get it, ESPN. You tried it, and it was a miserable, miserable, failure ... why do it again? I understand you want to try something new, and that's fine. But it didn't work. Why seek to punish your audience like this? Hell, if you're going to bring Kornheiser back, why not just take the extra step and pair him with Fran Drescher and Gilbert Gottfried?

If I just said that Kornheiser brought nothing to the table, that would be too high of a compliment. It's not that he didn't bring anything to the table, but he showed up at the table and started stabbing people. He wasn't just bad, he was aggressively bad. It was as if he sought to inflict pain on the audience.

He asked Joe Theismann questions, he sucked up to celebrities, and he whined about his fantasy team (while not actually knowing the definition of a fantasy team). In about 40 total hours of airtime, he said maybe two funny things. The other 38 hours, 59 minutes and 45 seconds were openly irritating. If he was going to get better at this, I think he might have shown maybe one little sign of improvement over 16 weeks of doing it. He didn't.

Those of you who have followed my work here at the FanHouse may think that that means there will be another season of The Kornheiser Chronicles. There won't be. I'm not doing that to myself again, for much the same reasons that I'll never voluntarily ram my face through a microwave door.

I Want to Fight a Man Named Norby originally appeared on NFL FanHouse on Wed, 10 Jan 2007 18:44:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 15

mjd — Tue, 19 Dec 2006 04:16:00 EST

Filed under: Kornheiser Chronicles, NFL Media Watch

Last night was the Week 15 Monday Night Football game, which means that I will be listening to no more than two more Tony Kornheiser-called football games for the rest of my life. I sort of doubt that he'll be back next year, and even if he is, I'm not letting the FanHouse people rope me into doing another season of the Kornheiser Chronicles. I'd sooner volunteer to write weekly updates on the health and working status of John Madden's colon.

Seriously. I'll buy the colonoscopy equipment myself if I have to.

Tony got the broadcast started last night with an opening monologue about how Peyton Manning has never gotten to a Super Bowl, but that he's a really nice guy. At this point, I had to pause the game on the DVR and stop and think about that.

I had never really considered that Peyton Manning hadn't been to the Super Bowl before. No one had never brought that to my attention before, and it completely changed the way I watched the game. I was rooting for this character; this guy, what's his name? Manning? I suddenly found him sympathetic and likable because of this fresh new take.

And again before kickoff, Kornheiser struck. The Bengals fans love their "Who Dey" cheers, something that the rest of the country finds confusing and irksome. Kornheiser says he thought the Saints were "Who Dey," but I don't think he really meant that. I think he knew damn well that the Saints rallying cry was "Who Dat," rather.

None of this is terribly troublesome. Granted, it was still largely inane, and the best time and place for it was probably not just as the ball was being kicked off.

But the really troublesome part was that Kornheiser went to this much trouble as a setup for a joke about Hootie and the Blowfish. "Who Dey? Who Dat? Hootie and the Blowfish?" Quality, Tone. A timely and relevant reference. I guess the Pat Benatar jokes are being saved for the second half.

My favorite part of last night's broadcast, however, was the booth appearance of Matthew McCoughnahey, who, in 10 or 15 minutes, said about 11 words. That immediately makes him my favorite in-booth guest of all-time, even ahead of Christian "WHOA!" Slater. McCoughnahey was just overwhelmed ... and hey, you probably would be, too, if you had just met three guys for the first time and within five minutes of meeting them, all three of them had called you "sexy." That happened, friends. That. Happened.

To note any more about last night's broadcast would just feel like piling on, and I don't feel up for it. I really hate being this hard on Tony Kornheiser, because he did work his ass off to prepare for the season and be as good as he possibly could be. He doesn't necessarily deserve a mountain of criticism. It's like trying to fit a square peg into a solid block of titanium. It's not his fault. It just wasn't meant to be.

But the good news is that I'm not only doing this a maximum of two more times (and next week's game is on Christmas Day, so I tend to doubt I'll be around for that one). So soak it up. The Kornheiser Chronicles is on its death bed, and I'm not at all unhappy about that.

The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 15 originally appeared on NFL FanHouse on Tue, 19 Dec 2006 04:16:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 14

mjd — Tue, 12 Dec 2006 01:46:00 EST

Filed under: Kornheiser Chronicles

I took a week off from the Kornheiser Chronicles, and I think that week allowed me to get a new perspective on Tony Kornheiser and the Monday night crew ... and that new perspective shows me that I didn't hate Tony Kornheiser nearly enough. When the game broadcast started, and Kornheiser went into his pre-game monologue ... it felt like the first day back at school, the teacher barking in your ear again, while you're thinking to yourself, "Dammit, here we go with this again."

Early in the game, Rex Grossman had a miscommunication with a receiver that stalled a drive. Mark Bradley ran a straight fly pattern to the endzone, and Grossman threw it like he was expecting a completely different route. I'd have liked to have heard from Joe Theismann on why the pass was incomplete, whose fault it was, and what the play was supposed to look like.

But Kornheiser talked over the play, and he just kept talking right over the replay ... and he was talking about Rex Grossman, but it wasn't anything that had to do with the play, it was something about a psychiatrist and a buffet. No explanation was ever given for anything, all at the expensive of Tony Kornheiser's desire to keep talking without saying anything that he hadn't already said about Rex Grossman in his pre-game monologue. 14 games in, that's an unforgivable mistake.
And if you listened to Kornheiser, there were two people involved in this game, their names being Rex Grossman and Mike Martz. Inbetween repeating the same thing about Grossman over and over again, Kornheiser would occasionally stop to wish Mike Martz would be the coach of the Rams. He pined for Martz at least three times, and the number of times he mentioned Grossman's struggles were virtually uncountable. I know it's a major theme, I know it's important ... but a TV guy should know that you can't keep saying the same things, again and again. And it's not like he was giving us new information on it ... he just kept framing it in a big picture sense, again and again. Mercilessly. Somewhere, Tony Kornheiser is still talking about Rex Grossman.

The guest in the booth last night was James Belushi, who always seems to pop up when ESPN is doing something in Chicago. Belushi has a show on ESPN's big brother ABC (I think it's still on the air, though I couldn't swear to it, and I'm not going to look it up at the risk of accidentally hearing Belushi's voice again), so of course, he has to be promoted, regardless of the fact that he's about the least entertaining person on television.

I don't have anything against Jim Belushi, and I don't want to be mean, but I honestly don't know one Jim Belushi fan, nor have I ever. I can't think of a single person on earth, other than those with the last name Belushi, who have ever actively wished to see him. His time in the booth wasn't terrible ... until he started celebrating a Bears touchdown, which I could've done without. But his stay was short, so I'm fine with him. All in all, I prefer Christian Slater.

The one good point Tony Kornheiser made was recommending Devin Hester for rookie of the year consideration. I'm not saying that Hester should win it, just that it is something that should be considered. But that didn't come until there were fewer than 8:00 left in the game, and it was not enough to make me forgive the first 52 minutes.

The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 14 originally appeared on NFL FanHouse on Tue, 12 Dec 2006 01:46:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 12

mjd — Tue, 28 Nov 2006 00:51:00 EST

Filed under: Kornheiser Chronicles, NFL Media Watch

He still sucks.

It's so tiresome trying to come up with a little intro paragraph every week that kind of recaps Kornheiser's performance for the evening. It sucked, okay? I suppose maybe we should credit him for trying to make himself more a part of the background, but he even fails at that. He even reached what I thought was a low point last night, but we'll get to that at the end of the post. For the most part during the Seattle/Green Bay game, he was like a plant sitting between Tirico and Theismann ... if you've ever had a plant that you wished would just shut the hell up.

Tony's pregame monologue focused on Brett Favre's longevity in the league, and the fact that it rains a lot in Seattle. Awesome storylines, and things I wasn't aware of. Next week, he may mention that Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. Excellent.

Later, the Packers had a 3rd and goal from the 12-yard-line in the first half. They elected to call a running play, which came up woefully short of the endzone. It was a very strange play call, and Mike Tirico commented on it:

Tirico: There's a surprising play call.
Kornheiser: It was a run.

That it was, Tony. That it was.

Jimmy Kimmel, in another bit of ESPN/ABC cross-promotion, was the celebrity guest in the booth last night. I think Jimmy Kimmel's a funny guy, and I have enjoyed a lot of work he's done. I happen to think his late night talk show is pretty bad, though, and I've always wondered what kind of people enjoyed it. I now have my answer. People like Tony Kornheiser enjoy it. People who talk endlessly about the Brett Favre's longevity and Seattle's weather love Jimmy Kimmel's show.

Kimmel got off a couple of very funny lines, and since he's a football fan, he understands how annoying it can be when a jackass celebrity talks over a play. He noted that a couple of times and stepped out of Tirico's way, which I found admirable. He said to Joe Theismann, "Joe, how's the leg?" which I thought was hysterical. And later, Tirico asked him if he was going to have any quality guests on the show soon, and Kimmel replied, "Michael Irvin will be on the show. But no, not really."

But as funny as Kimmel was in spots, the presence of Kornheiser and Theismann actually took away from it. They overlaughed at his jokes and set him up with lame questions for which there couldn't possibly be a funny response. Jimmy Kimmel was not the problem with the celebrity in the booth segment last night. The regulars were.

One other Kornheiser thing I wanted to mention, and this might be a low point for him on the year. Matt Hasselbeck, having sat out for weeks and weeks with a knee injury, was extremely rusty in the first half, and made some bad throws. Kornheiser wondered aloud if the Seahawks might want to pull him from the game in favor of Seneca Wallace.

Of course, that's a moronic notion. Seattle's going to pull a guy who's proven himself to be one of the best quarterbacks in the league because he's rusty in his first start back? In favor of Seneca Wallace, who threw three interceptions in a crucial game last week?

And that wasn't even the bad part. Theismann, in a gentler way than he should have, shot the idea down. Tirico even had to react, saying, "You can't bench your Pro Bowl quarterback." And then Kornheiser comes back with, "I agree with you, but I think there's a lot of people out there wondering..."

No, Tony. No one else was out there thinking that Seneca Wallace should be in the game, with the possible exceptions of Seneca Wallace's parents. You were the only one thinking that, Theismann and Tirico exposed the thought for how silly it was, and then you tried to make it look like you were just trying to get an explanation for the rest of America who apparently can't comprehend football on the same level you can. Insulting.

The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 12 originally appeared on NFL FanHouse on Tue, 28 Nov 2006 00:51:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 11

mjd — Tue, 21 Nov 2006 01:13:00 EST

Filed under: Kornheiser Chronicles, NFL Media Watch

What struck me about Tony Kornheiser's role on Monday Night Football last night was just how much of a non-factor he has become. The novelty and curiosity have washed away, and any hope that he'll find a comfort zone and and start adding something substantial to the broadcast died months ago. What we're left with is Tony just sitting there, along for the ride like a child sitting in the backseat of his parents' car with not a lot to offer the grown folks. Well, that and a bizarre "conversation" with Jay-Z.

Kornheiser started the evening, as he always does, with a pregame monologue. This week's theme was how many former New York Giants have gotten into the field of broadcasting, which wasn't really high on my list of things I was hoping to see this evening. He did manage to mix in a nice self-deprecating joke, saying, "If Tiki Barber gave word to ESPN right now, he could be in my seat by next week." Funny, and unfortunately accurate.

A couple of confusing moments followed later. Once, when ESPN was going to commercial after an Eli Manning interception, Kornheiser asked incredulously in regard to Manning's poor play, "Where are the coaches?" Well, they're on the sidelines, why do you ask? I don't understand exactly what he wants the coaches to do there. Manning knows how to throw the ball, he knows where to throw the ball, the man is just in a slump right now. Is his problem really that he lacks a coach to tell him, "Hey, play better"?
The highlight of the broadcast for me was Jay-Z's appearance in the booth in the second half. Either Jay-Z is suffering from clinical depression, or he felt completely out of his element while sitting with Mike Tirico, Joe Theismann, and Tony Kornheiser in the booth, and I think the latter is way more likely. Tirico handled it as professionally as he could, but Theismann and Kornheiser were completely thrown by the presence of a rapper. They had no idea what to say to him, or what to ask him. It was as if the second Jay-Z sat down, Theismann and Kornheiser said to themselves, "we have absolutely nothing in common with this man" and downshifted into "uncomfortable elevator small talk" mode. From there, they just made small talk, smiled politely, and waited for Jay to arrive at his floor and calmly get off. Then they took their hands off their wallets.

In garbage time at the end of the game, the subject of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' wedding came up, and Theismann jokingly suggested that he was disappointed to not be invited after having met Cruise and Holmes earlier in the year. Kornheiser joked, "Yeah, you guys are good friends." And Theismann shot back, "Just like you and Jay-Z."

Your winner, ladies and gentlemen, Joe Theismann.

The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 11 originally appeared on NFL FanHouse on Tue, 21 Nov 2006 01:13:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 10

mjd — Tue, 14 Nov 2006 00:32:00 EST

Filed under: Kornheiser Chronicles, NFL Media Watch

It was not a pretty night on the field, nor was it a pretty night in the booth. Starring in the role of Bruce Gradkowski on the field was Bruce Gradkowski. Starring in the role of Bruce Gradkowski in the booth was Tony Kornheiser.

He's regressing. Actually, that's probably not accurate. I don't think he has any sort of a plan for improving, and some weeks, he'll be decent, and some weeks, he won't be. It's really just pure, blind, luck. I hate to double up on the analogies (and even mix in another sport), but he's kind of like Ricky Davis. He'll have some good games, but most will be bad, and there's no rhyme or reason for when it happens.

Let's start with the things Kornheiser said last night that I enjoyed:

There. Now click that pretty blue link below, and we'll discuss the things I didn't like about his performance, and how Joe Theismann became a hero.

Tony seems to like to latch onto a theme early in the broadcast, then hammer away at it for the next three hours, whether it's funny or not. Tonight, he had two such themes. One was a dinner that the entire Panthers defense shared recently, and the other was that Jon Gruden looks like a Pirate. The Pirate thing was harmless, perhaps even borderline slight-smile worthy.

The dinner thing was an interesting little note when mentioned once, but became like a cattle prod being shoved in my ribs when he kept bringing it up. Late in the game, Tampa Bay fumbled, and it was recovered by the Panthers--one of the most important plays of the game. Immediately after the play, Kornheiser starts babbling about the dinner again, and how much it cost, and who paid for it ... as if that's what's important right then. Then game might have just been decided, or at the very least, just had a significant momentum shift... but yeah, let's bring up the dinner check. In fact, let's go through the receipt, item by item, and calculate the trans fat volume in the meals of all the players involved. All very relevant and timely.

Theismann cut him off as soon as he could. Kornheiser said something like, "And I think Minter paid for it," and Theismann, without pause, jumped in with, "He did, but..." and then went onto say something about the fumble, what caused it, why it happened, its impact on the game ... you know, things that were relevant at that particular moment.

Something similar actually happened very early in the game when Kornheiser and Tirico got caught up in some babble about Chris Simms' spleen. Actually, it wasn't even about the spleen, it was about which ESPN person was able to get the information about the spleen, which, of course, no one in the world cares about except the ESPN people themselves. Theismann interjected with, "It's second and three. Just thought I'd throw that in for the benefit of conversation."

Joe Theismann, voice of reason.

The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 10 originally appeared on NFL FanHouse on Tue, 14 Nov 2006 00:32:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 09

mjd — Tue, 07 Nov 2006 01:29:00 EST

Filed under: Kornheiser Chronicles, NFL Media Watch

Tony Kornheiser almost mirrored the Seattle Seahawks last night; it wasn't a performance for the record books, nothing that's going to wow you, probably nothing you'll even remember in two days ... but at the end of the day, it was a win. And like the Seahawks, Kornheiser's best score came early, he struggled to find a little consistency afterwards, and he looked better because of the people that were next to him.

Kornheiser's best moment of the night, to me, was very early in the game, perhaps even before the kickoff, when he told the viewers that until he told him about it, Art Shell had no idea that Seattle's new stadium didn't have a roof on it. How the hell does an NFL coach not know the stadium he's about to play in doesn't have a roof on it? Does Art Shell know that Steve Largest doesn't play there anymore? Did he spend all week gameplanning for the hard-nosed running style of John L. Williams?

It was just something he relayed from a conversation with Shell, and not any great witticism of his own, but don't write it off as meaningless. I think most other guys, if not all of them, would've never let that see the light of day, out of fear of embarrassing Art Shell. Kornheiser, thankfully, had no such qualms.

There were two other Kornheiser moments I particularly enjoyed, and clicking that pretty blue link below will get you to them:

- When Christian Slater made one of his many dumbass "wow, this football stuff is amazing!" type comments, Kornheiser sort of called him on it, asking Slater, "You come here often? Is this the first game you've seen?" A rightful little jab of ridicule at someone who clearly had no place in the booth. I was holding out some hope, after last week and after this article, that ESPN was done with the celebrity-in-the-booth gimmick. Christian Slater was the worst one yet, by far, and I like Christian Slater (that link contains some naughty language and some violence, by the way... very large degrees of both, now that I mention it).

- I also enjoyed it when Kornheiser accused Joe Theismann of developing a man-crush on Seneca Wallace.

Two moments I did not particularly enjoy:

- Early in the game, Josh Brown came on for a Seattle field goal, and Kornheiser, of course, mentioned that he has him on his fantasy team. That's annoying enough. But then Tirico asks Kornheiser if he knows who he's playing this week in his fantsay league, and Kornheiser has no idea. In summary, Kornheiser doesn't care enough about his fantasy team (that's not really a fantasy team) even enough to know who he's playing from week to week. Which means it's just a gimmick that means nothing to him, but he sticks with because he thinks it's funny, which is completely misguided on his part, and completely disappointing to me.

- In the second half, Kornheiser accused Mike Holmgren of displaying a "bitter beer face." That's a reference I haven't heard in about five years.

All in all, though, that's not much to complain about, and it's a positive that Kornheiser's best two performances have come in the past two weeks. He's gotten progressively more entertaining and less irritating, almost to the point where they even out now.

The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 09 originally appeared on NFL FanHouse on Tue, 07 Nov 2006 01:29:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 08

mjd — Tue, 31 Oct 2006 00:28:00 EST

Filed under: Kornheiser Chronicles, NFL Media Watch

I know I threatened to discontinue The Kornheiser Chronicles last week, but... my man said some funny things last night. He even said one thing that I'd say bordered on hilarious. Unfortunately, it came in the final few seconds of a blowout, and about eleven people heard it. But I thought it was funny, and I feel it's my duty to pass it along to you. I owe Tony Kornheiser that much.

Tony was talking about a meeting the crew had with Tom Brady earlier in the week. And I'm paraphrasing here, but Kornheiser said something like, "I'm sitting there looking at him, and I notice he's got all this glitter on his shirt, and I'm thinking I'm falling in love, because I don't know if anyone else can see this. As it turns out, he had just hugged his niece, and she had glitter on, which came as a great relief to me, because I thought we were having a moment."

I'd have preferred it if he went the extra mile and actually got up and kissed Tom Brady on the mouth, just for the sake of the joke ... but maybe that would've been taking it too far. That's the first truly funny thing Kornheiser's said on Monday Night Football all year long. He had never before gotten past the level of "moderately amusing," and even when he did, it came as a brief oasis in a desert of unfunny pain. But last night was his best night of the season. He was a little more aggressive with his comments, and he did a better job of picking his spots. He wasn't without a few missteps, though.

He did mention his fantasy team, after he didn't last week, and mentioned to refrain from doing it in the entire first half this week. But he couldn't stop himself from bringing up his fantasy ownership of Mewelde Moore after his punt return touchdown. Later in the game, after a disputed replay call, Kornheiser presses Theismann on the issue, asking him point blank, "Are you ready to scrap instant replay right now?" And that would've been fine, except it came just as the Vikings were lining up for a critical 4th and 3. Tirico had to shush him.

And I don't know if this one qualifies as a misstep, but when he was talking about Tom Brady originally taking over for Drew Bledsoe, he said, "it becomes like Shirley Maclaine going in there for Gwen Verdon in 'The Pajama Game'." There were probably nine or ten people in the audience who knew what the hell he was talking about, and two of them were his gay uncles who took him to see Shirley Maclaine in a Broadway musical when he was nine.

I really think, though, that the positives of Tony Kornheiser's presence outweighed the negatives for the first time last night. He needled Theismann about still wanting to play football, and called him pathetic. He asked if we thought Junior Seau and Brad Johnson talked about their grandchildren at the bottom of the pile. Nothing that's going to make roll out of your chair laughing, but there were a few well-earned smirks along the way, and there were fewer moments that made me cringe. Last night, there was progress.

The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 08 originally appeared on NFL FanHouse on Tue, 31 Oct 2006 00:28:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 07

mjd — Tue, 24 Oct 2006 01:27:00 EST

Filed under: Kornheiser Chronicles, NFL Media Watch

I'm getting pretty close to pulling the plug on this whole Kornheiser Chronicles thing. I just can't write something interesting every week about someone who never, ever says anything interesting. It would be just as much fun for me, and just as entertaining for you, for me to sit here and describe my favorite pair of scissors.

They have titanium blades, a gray rubber handle, with orange around the insides of the finger holes. I'm in no position to comment on Tony Kornheiser's finger holes.

During the broadcast, I try to jot down interesting and/or amusing things that Kornheiser says. Tonight, I had three, and one of the made me actually cringe. It's not even worth going over them ... I'll just say that I'm glad that he didn't mention his "fantasy" team tonight and be done with it. There just wasn't much of note.

Since Tony's apparently done with the job after this year anyway, I just have a feeling that he's going to look back on this year with a tremendous sense of regret. Not because it was terrible, or not because it affected his career in a negative way, but because of all the things he left on the table.

I'm certain that he could've made us all laugh a few times every Monday night ... just as certain as I am that he hasn't. He's just been afraid to rock the boat, even when the boat is sitting still and lifeless in the ocean while Boredom the Shark bears down, about to swallow everyone on board.

Anyway, there's a chance that this will be the last edition of "The Kornheiser Chronicles" for a while. There's just nothing left to say, and little chance of anything getting ever getting better.

The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 07 originally appeared on NFL FanHouse on Tue, 24 Oct 2006 01:27:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 06

mjd — Tue, 17 Oct 2006 01:20:00 EST

Filed under: Kornheiser Chronicles, NFL Media Watch

For a few minutes early in last night's game, I had myself convinced that the night could be different for Tony Kornheiser. He got off a couple of good lines early, he and Theismann had a couple of brief interactions that weren't totally forced and uncomfortable, and things were going well.

Looking back now, though, that seems like a long, long time ago. 98% of the entertainment from last night's broadcast came from the unbelievable football game, and about 1.99% came from Charles Barkley. Barkley was the exact guy that ESPN was trying to hire when they hired Kornheiser. He's funny, he's natural, he's always at ease, he's not afraid to say things, and he commands attention. Barkley is on TNT everything that Kornheiser is not on ESPN.

The remaining .01% of entertainment comes from fond recollections of things Tony Kornheiser said that I enjoyed, but were later drowned out by more typical Kornheiser inanity. Let's get to the good stuff first.

o. Very early in the game, the Cardinals have an opportunity to convert a first down, and Kornheiser, making light of the expected blowout of the Cardinals, says, "If they make this, the Cardinals ought to just stop." Kornheiser drops back and completes a pass over-the-middle for 20 yards. And immediately after he said it, Theismann yelped a frustrated "No!" as if he thought Kornheiser was serious in suggesting that the Cardinals actually leave the building after getting a first down.

o. Kornheiser contradicted himself in the first quarter, first saying that the Cardinals were likely to get blown out, and then saying that they had a chance to win the game. Mike Tirico called him on it and Kornheiser replied, "I think people forget quickly what I said. And I'm a frontrunner." Self-deprecating and clever. Kornheiser runs off tackle for a gain of six.

o. On the subject of Cardinals fans who say that the team should have a winning record, Kornheiser says, "I like it when they say they should be 3-and-2, because it gives me the opportunity to say that I should have hair." Kornheiser picks up five yards on the screen play.

All of those came relatively early in the preceedings, and it never got that good again.

o. Although, this might be considered a positive. It wasn't until 10:00 were left in the third quarter that Tony Kornheiser mentioned his "fantasy" team. It's good that he waited that long, but I'm choosing to view it as a negative because he gave me false hope that he was dropping the weekly updates on the subject. Kornheiser pump fakes the deep ball, then takes a nine-yard sack.

o. Charles Barkley was the celebrity in the booth this week, and while I've gone on record many times as saying that those segments should be aborted immediately ... well, I'm just a sucker for Sir Charles. Tony asks Charles if he could play with a guy like Terrell Owens, and Charles says, "I don't think it'd work with me, cuz I'd have hit him in the head a long time ago." Tony asks if Charles ever did play with anyone like Owens, and Charles says, "Yeah, and I hit 'em in the head." Barkley rumbles up the middle for a gain of 16.

o. The Bears hold the Cardinals to a field goal on a first half possession in which the Cardinals had a short field, and Barkley says that could be a turning point in the game. Kornheiser incredulously shouts, "It's 17-0! There's no turning point!" Why exactly couldn't there be a turning point? I don't understand. Kornheiser takes the hand-off and is stopped a yard short of the line of scrimmage..

o. The Bears brought Cedric Benson into the game in the second half, he gets the ball, and the play goes nowhere. Kornheiser tells the audience that Theismann is shaking his head in the booth, which of course, the people watching on TV don't know. This forces Theismann to criticize the play, calling it a "wasted call." Kornheiser's note of Theismann's head shaking forced Theismann to offer real, pointed, insightful analysis of a bad playcall, and he probably wouldn't have done so if Kornheiser didn't force him to. Kornheiser drags Theismann ahead for a gain of 8.

o. Late in the game, Matt Leinart is engineering a nice drive for the Cardinals, and remarking on his poise, Theismann says, "I don't look at him as a rookie." Kornheiser says, "You don't? Well he is." A weak joke takes away from a point Theismann was trying to make about Matt Leinart's confidence late in the game. It might not have been a great point, but it was certainly better than the joke that trampled all over it. Kornheiser throws a screen pass to Theismann, then runs up to him and knocks it out of his hands, allowing the defense to recover for a turnover.

o. With 1:20 to play, Kornheiser decides this is a good time to go over the history of Matt Leinart. He's talking about his career at USC, his dating of Paris Hilton, his freefall in the NFL draft... he goes on and on and on, in a crucial point in the game. Very poor timing. I know that it's sometimes important to give the big picture on things, but with 1:20 left, the game in the balance, and a huge play coming in just seconds, that's not the time. The very instant Kornheser finishes his screed, Theismann adds, "Don't get conservative and start running the ball," as if this was something he felt was important to say, but had to wait to do it. Say what you want about Theismann, and I'll probably agree, but he at least knows what he should be talking about at certain moments. Kornheiser stumbles in the backfield for a loss of three.

The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 06 originally appeared on NFL FanHouse on Tue, 17 Oct 2006 01:20:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 05

mjd — Tue, 10 Oct 2006 00:26:00 EST

Filed under: Kornheiser Chronicles, NFL Media Watch

I was really hoping that Tony Kornheiser would let loose a little bit this week. After last Monday night's flaccid performance, he penned a mid-week article in the Washington Post criticizing himself for not taking more chances, and for holding back on things that he knew would be funny. He recognized the problem, and I thought maybe he'd set about fixing it.

He didn't. He didn't score with any deep balls, but he did have a couple of positive plays. Really, it was more of the same, and I'm getting damn tired of doing this every week. I'd prefer that he was terrible. Really, I would... at least then it would be noteworthy. Instead, I end up spitting out the same, "eh, Tony didn't really say much of interest last night" every damn week... and if it doesn't change, I'm going to turn more and more vitriolic as time passes.

Some of the highs and lows, and then their football equivalent:

o. ESPN had a ready-made graphic with the players on Kornheiser's fantasy team, and we learned two things from it. 1) Tony Kornheiser has no intention of stopping this anytime soon, and 2) Tony Kornheiser doesn't have a fantasy football team. He has a team on ESPN.com, one of the ones where you pick different players every week, and they all have different salaries, and you have to stay under the salary cap with your roster. That's not fantasy football. And Kornheiser admitted that he had Jake Plummer in the line-up this week because he was on Monday Night Football, so even if he did have a fantasy team, it wasn't an honest effort at it. Kornheiser fumbles in the open field.

o. Derrick Mason made a catch along the sidelines, and the officials reviewed it to make sure that Mason had his feet in bounds. He got his left foot down, his right foot down, and then his left again. Joe Theismann says Mason "had three feet in." Kornheiser says, "If he had three feet in, it would be front page news." Kornheiser runs off tackle for a gain of three.

o. Early in the game, Joe Theismann explained how Jake Plummer was attempting to use a "hard count" to draw the defense offsides, and demonstrated what a hard count might sound like. Kornheiser made fun of him for it, saying "maybe later you can explain 'offsides' and 'the two point conversion'." I was personally irritated by this comment... a guy who didn't have any idea what a "silent count" was earlier this season (as Theismann rightly pointed out) is going to criticize someone for explaining something? Especially when that guy has been so sensitive to criticism himself? Get over yourself, man. Kornheiser throws an interception, blames his offensive line for poor protection, and then picks up a 15-yard personal foul for complaining to the officials.

o. Theismann is making a point about the Denver zone-blocking scheme, pointing out how they all move left at the snap of the ball, and just block whoever's in front of them. Theismann says that they "step together." Kornheiser says, "The Temptations also stepped together and it worked out very well for them." Kornheiser plows ahead for a gain of two.

o. This wasn't entirely Tony Kornheiser's fault (I'd blame the people at ESPN/ABC who insist on continuing this absolute nightmare), but the celebrity-in-the-booth segement tonight was the worst one yet. James Denton of "Desperate Housewives" was in the booth, and, as you would expect, contributed nothing to the game or the broadcast. Denton, who I had never heard of, actually came off of a pretty likable guy, though I still don't want him to have any kind of a part in doing commentary on the football games I watch. Tirico, Kornheiser and Theismann acted like idiots in the booth with Denton, gleefully asking questions that they thought were pretty amusing, questions that Denton just seemed like he was suffering through, like the would if he was stuck in an elevator with three overzealous "Desperate Housewives" fans. Kornheiser contributes to a play that lost roughly 48 yards, and embarrassed and injured everyone in the entire organization.

The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 05 originally appeared on NFL FanHouse on Tue, 10 Oct 2006 00:26:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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The Kornheiser Chronicles: Special Edition

mjd — Thu, 05 Oct 2006 00:30:00 EST

Filed under: Kornheiser Chronicles, NFL Media Watch

Maybe the best assessment I've read yet about Tony Kornheiser's performance on Monday Night Football came from Kornheiser himself in his Tuesday column in the Washington Post. As Dan Shanoff noted in his blog, Kornheiser outright admits that he's holding back. He has funny things to say, but he's choosing not to say them.

Check out this joke that he left on the table:

I kept thinking about something A.J. Hawk, the Packers' rookie linebacker, said Sunday evening when we were talking to him about the defense. In an attempt to praise them, he said, "They're really vocal back there."

And I wanted to use that and scream, "Really? What does that mean, 'they're vocal back there'? Were they shouting, 'Look out, here comes another big touchdown on us!'? " For whatever reason, I didn't say it and I should have shouted it.

Couldn't agree more, Tony. Shout that, man. Get it out there. That's exactly the type of thing that I expected him to be saying, and it's exactly the type of thing that I'm disappointed we haven't heard yet.

So the question is ... why isn't he saying them?

I think he's afraid. He takes this gig extremely seriously, and he's afraid to screw it up. He's afraid that he'll upset the wrong person, embarrass himself, and embarrass the show. What else could it be? Why else would he hold back?

The Monday Night Football gig is a very big deal to Tony Kornheiser. In the 70s, and a lot of younger fans might not appreciate that, MNF was the thing on television, and Howard Cosell made it so. It was, for a long time, the highest-rated show on television. And it seems like Kornheiser is treating his spot on the show a little too reverentially.

It's hard to succeed at anything if all you're thinking about is "please don't let me screw this up." If Kornheiser's going to get better, he's got to get over that fear, he's got to take the gig less seriously, and he's got to stop being afraid to put himself out there.

He can be good at this job. He's talented enough, and he's clever enough. It's now time for him to act like he's got a pair.

The Kornheiser Chronicles: Special Edition originally appeared on NFL FanHouse on Thu, 05 Oct 2006 00:30:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 04

mjd — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 00:50:00 EST

Filed under: Kornheiser Chronicles, NFL Media Watch

Tony Kornheiser's gotten himself to the point where he at least sounds somewhat comfortable, and is not surprised to actually find himself in the booth calling Monday Night Football games. That is an accomplishment, and it's probably a lot harder to do than most people realize. That's the good news.

The bad news is that he hasn't gotten any farther than that, and that puts him on about the same level as any other bad commentator out there. He says things, sometimes a lot of them, that don't seem out of place or disrupt the flow of the game. But very few of them are particularly interesting, insightful, or things you couldn't have done without. And it's even more rare that any of them approach "funny." This was probably his best game yet, and it really wasn't that good.

Here are some notes from last night about Kornheiser and his supporting cast.

Lowlights:

o. Kornheiser opens the show by saying that he "doesn't know Aaron Rogers from Mr. Rogers." I'm pretty sure he knows exactly who Aaron Rogers is, and this is an attempt to self-deprecate and play up the "every man" approach, and I understand that. But you have to at least know the backup quarterback's name. If Kornheiser was adding absolutely anything else to the broadcast at all, a comment like that would be fine, perhaps even amusing. As it stands, though, it's just feels sort of sad, kind of like, "Really? You don't know the backup quarterback's name, and you're not going to make me laugh, either? Why exactly are you here?"

o. The Aaron Rogers/Mr. Rogers comment came at the beginning of a long, long, pregame tribute to Brett Favre. That was about as melodramatic as I've ever heard anyone be about Brett Favre, and there's no shortage of competition in that category. That was not pleasant.

o. Hey, Tony Kornheiser has Brian Westbrook on his fantasy team! WOW! Did you hear that? On his FANTASY TEAM! WOOOOO!!

o. Mike Tirico misidentified a statue of William Penn as Ben Franklin. An easy mistake, I guess, and one that not many people outside of Philadelphia caught. Hell, I thought it was ?uestlove. Many thanks to Eagles blogger Enrico Campitelli for the heads-up on that one.

Highlights:

o. One thing Kornheiser's trying to do, and is getting better at, is setting up Joe Theismann for some kind of analysis. After Correll Buckhalter fumbled twice early in the game, Kornheiser asked Theismann if he were Andy Reid, if he'd consider giving the football back to Buckhalter. It touched off a short, moderately interesting debate on the subject. He did the same thing later in the game, asking if it was going to be necessary for Donovan McNabb to win this game by himself.

o. Suzy Kolber was filing a sideline report about Andy Reid's Super Bowl ring, and how he wears it everywhere. Theismann follows that up with a comment about how the ring can be cumbersome, and Kornheiser sarcastically asks, poking fun at Theismann's clear desire to talk about his ring, "Oh, Joe, are you suggesting that you have a Super Bowl ring?" He scored with that one. And then he followed it with, "Do you think it's necessary to wear it everywhere you go?"

o. The Eagles put up a 17-point third quarter, and Kornheiser asked Tirico and Theismann if it was too early to say that the game's over. Tirico and Theismann said yes, it was too early, but I feel like everyone watching the game knew damn well that it was over.

o. Kornheiser was talking about Favre towards the end of the game, saying that he's one of the few megastars in the NFL, and that no matter what he did, be it a touchdown pass or an interception, it was usually exciting. Seconds later, Favre did throw an interception. Kornheiser remarked, "Well, at least it was exciting."

The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 04 originally appeared on NFL FanHouse on Tue, 03 Oct 2006 00:50:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 03

mjd — Tue, 26 Sep 2006 01:31:00 EST

Filed under: Kornheiser Chronicles, NFL Media Watch

I've found Tony Kornheiser's performance on Monday Night Football to be pretty inconsequential and pointless thus far, but I'm now starting to turn the corner ... but not in a good way. Last night, I found myself cultivating a pretty substantial dislike for Tony Kornheiser presence on Monday Night Football.

Granted, it might not be fair to judge him on the events of last night. The game was not broadcast under normal circumstances, and ESPN clearly felt it was their job to cover the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, instead of the football game. Greta Van Susteren said almost as much about the Falcons/Saints game last night as did everyone on ESPN combined.

And Tony was clearly sticking to that plan. His goal for the night seemed to be to insert as much long-winded pontification as possible. If ESPN wanted that, they should've hired Bob Ley for the job. I've never heard anything quite like it, really. I'd imagine that Sinead O'Connor would behave similarly if she was given the position between Mike Tirico and Joe Theismann.

Immediately after the remarkable blocked punt in the first quarter, with the building absolutely electric, Kornheiser decided then that it was a time to go on a lengthy screed about the poignancy of the moment, and what it all meant, etc etc etc. I can't speak for the rest of the audience, but I was able to gather to significance of the moment, just by watching things like the building explode, the Saints celebrate, and the non-stop applause and adulation for the players.

I felt like that was the exact opposite of what he was hired for. He was hired to entertain, to be clever, to pick his spots and interject things that might be amusing and/or insightful. Right then, Tony Kornheiser did the opposite of entertain. He damn near killed an outstanding moment.

Other Kornheiser highlights...

o. He started with the talk about his fantasy football team very early in the broadcast. Which is good, because it sets the bar very low, very early.

o. Joe Theismann made a comment early in the game about the slickness of the new turf in the Superdome, saying that receivers had to "run with their body on top of their legs." It's kind of a goofy way to say it, and it's easy to pick on. And Kornheiser did just that, preventing Theismann from making what was actually a good and relevant point--that the receivers had to run, plant, and cut more carefully. Theismann did make the point more successfully, with Kornheiser playing it straight, when they came back from commercial.

o. After another Saints touchdown, Kornheiser starts a sentence with, "I know that there are cultural and social issues we should talk about here..." and I just could not disagree more. What we should talk about here, is football. ESPN has already spent hours and hours talking about cultural and social issues tonight. The touchdown happened just seconds ago, so let's talk about that.

o. My favorite moment in the broadcast came when Spike Lee was sitting in on the commentary (and I usually hate those segments, but I'm a big Spike Lee fan), and Kornheiser asked him if he was optimistic or pessimistic about the future of New Orleans. Spike was silent, and there was an uncomfortable pause... until a sarcastic smile and a laugh erupted from him. Spike Lee has doubts about the recovery effort, but he, unlike everyone at ESPN, knows that this is not the time or place for an honest discussion of New Orleans' very real problems. ESPN tried to singlehandedly solve them. Or at least put a very pretty bow on them.

o. Joe Theismann called Saints linebacker Scott Fujita "Scott Fajita." Not intentionally, of course, but that still makes him funnier than Kornheiser tonight.

o. Speaking of Joe Theismann, last night was probably the finest commentary night of his career. Every time Mike Tirico or Tony Kornheiser would go on and on about the city of New Orleans, Theismann would mercifully bring it back to football. By the end of the night, I was extremely thankful for the presence of Joe Theismann, and that makes me feel very weird about myself. It might just have been that Theismann was actually unaware that there was ever a tragedy in New Orleans, but I was thankful nonetheless.

o. The funniest moment of the night was another accidental Theismann goof. After a penalty flag was thrown, and then later taken back by the officials, Theismann said, "He must've seen something that caused him to take it out of his pants." A few seconds of silence followed, and then laughter from Kornheiser. That was legitimately funny... and it came when Tony Kornheiser said not a word.

I had wondered how Tony Kornheiser would perform in a blow-out game, where there were long periods of time to kill, and the commentators are sometimes the only source of entertainment. That happened for the first time last night, and I could not have been more disappointed. It was the same old thing from Tony.

Towards the end of the game, Kornheiser quoted the movie "On the Waterfront" (extremely timely and culturally relevant), by saying about Michael Vick, "It's not your night, kid. It's not your night."

It wasn't his, either.

The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 03 originally appeared on NFL FanHouse on Tue, 26 Sep 2006 01:31:00 EST . Please see our terms for use of feeds.

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