NFL Cliff Stoudt Notes

• Chris Henry, shown above in one of the few productive moments of his career, is cited for three traffic violations, because Chris Henry is an idiot.

• And it could actually land him in jail. Poor guy can't catch a break.

• The 49ers take care of Frank Gore.

• Pacman and Roger Goodell are going to have a sitdown. I wouldn't expect a particularly fruitful conversation.

• The NFL has figured out better alternatives to flipping coins. Rock, paper, scissors coming soon.

• A Jacksonville newspaper puts large photos of black players who get arrested on the front page. White players who get arrested get smaller photos inside the paper.

• Joe Theismann is out at Monday Night Football. Joe Theismann seems to be the only one surprised by this.

• The Eagles made a pretty nice pick-up, trading for Takeo Spikes.

• The Las Vegas Police believe that Pacman Jones should be charged with a felony. If he outran Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde, he can outrun this.

• The Jets have signed Andre Wadsworth. Hey, everyone needs a good janitor.

• For your opening weekend pleasure: Saints/Colts, Giants/Cowboys, and Bears/Chargers. I feel tingly.

• Peyton Manning opted not to take a shot at Tom Brady for his Kemp-like reproductive abilities.

• The artificial turf in your stadium is the reason that we're all going to die soon.

• Michael Vick says he used that trick Aquafina bottle to hide his jewelry. Okie dokie.

• The Texans have their quarterback in Matt Schaub ... now it's time to wonder, "Is he any good?"

• Marshall Faulk is officially going bye-bye on Monday.

• Jon Kitna wants you to believe that the Lions are going to win 10 games next year. I like Jon Kitna, but I can't muster that much faith in Matt Millen.

• Eli Manning's days or picking up hoes in karaoke bars are over. Maybe.

• Randy Moss is a hot topic of debate in the Packers locker room.

• Watch Khalif Barnes calmly call a cop a "KKK Devil" in the back of a police vehicle. I'm not saying he's wrong, but ... I mean, you're in cuffs in the back of a police car. I think that situation calls for quiet time.

• Matt Schaub has been unleashed. The Falcons traded him to the Texans for draft picks. Check for herpes when you do the physical, Texans. I heard it was going around.

• We could have a Pacman-free 2007 season. That would make me sad. Keep in mind, he was never arrested or charged with anything.

• Jeff Garcia is going to enjoy his honeymoon.

• DuckTales Duckett is willing to do anything for your team.

• One report says that Levi Jones threw Jerry Porter "like a rag doll." Baby won't you do me like you done before?

• Gisele Bundchen claims that her womb is free of Tom Brady's seed.

• Gene Upshaw, amazingly voted in for a 9th term as head of the NFLPA.

• This wasn't an NFL post, but ... you can see a Steelers fan enjoying his free time here.

• Herman Edwards would suspend NFL'ers who run afoul of the law.

• Adam Archuleta is moving along to the Bears.

• If you're lucky, Jerramy Stevens could be playing soon for your team.

• Who's the third best QB in this draft? Drew Stanton, or Troy Smith?

• The Raiders FanHouse is not interested in Calvin Johnson.

• You know, maybe the Dolphins shouldn't have given $20 million to Joey Porter.

• Kellen Winslow Jr. is good to go for '07. How would he look alongside Calvin Johnson?

• So long, Barrell Man.

• Joey Porter, part-time little teapot, short and stout, is not pleasant company at the blackjack table.

• There may have been a rape that occured at Patrick Kerney's house. Details are sketchy.

• Mike Nolan wants to change pass interference rules, and also wants people who violate the speed limit to be killed. Or something like that.

• Michael Irvin is a pretty good person.

• The NFL could have instant replays in HD ... but the owners would rather spend their money on things like Ovie Mughelli.

• The Dolphins might trade up in the draft, but not for Brady Quinn.

• An odd little story ... the NFL might be violating copyright law.

• Jeremy Shockey and Plaxico Burress have skipped the Giants off-season workouts.

• Tank Johnson will be spending 120 days in a pound-me-in-the-Super-Bowl prison. Assume the position.

• The official internet movement to get Pacman Jones out of Tennessee has launched.

• A one-year suspension for Pac, by the way, is not out of the question.

• Brandon Short is happy to be alive after getting an up-close and personal look at a shoot-out.

• Move away from the ledge, Jets fans. Jonathan Vilma isn't going to be traded.

• The Cleveland Browns just won't commit to Charlie Frye as their starter. Hm, that's strange. Why wouldn't they?

• Keenan McCardell seeks to reunite with Drew Brees.

• Michael Vick would like to offer you a glass of wine and a free side order of herpes.

• What did Deion take from his children? Must be the Moneeeeeeey...

• Here's why Lance Briggs will not dream of sitting out the entire year.

• What Vikings WR Troy Williamson has in common with Wild Thing Rick Vaughn.

• Brandon Stokley looks to keep it pasty in Denver.

• If you've been on American Idol, Bears DT Tommie Harris would like to get with you.

• Jamarcus Russell proves to be an impressive specimen at LSU's pro day.

• Are the Ravens considering trading their good receiver?

• Marty Schottenheimer thinks Pacman Jones should be booted off the Titans. Expect AJ Smith to sign him soon out of pure spite.

• Fred Taylor wants to get into broadcasting ... but not on TV, on the radio. Maybe he just really doesn't want to sit next to Dan Marino, in which case, could you really blame him?

• The Packers owe it to their fans to completely ignore them ...

• ... because those Moss-to-Green Bay rumors aren't going away.

• Dan Snyder changes his ways a little bit and gives someone less money than they earned.

• Hey, here's breaking news ... Jerramy Stevens is a drunken lout.

• Bill Belichick might be getting off easy in that divorce case. Unfortunate.

• Byron Leftwich has been getting himself into better shape.

• LaVar Arrington wants to find a place on the field for someone next year.

• Lance Brings digs in his heels, says he won't play for the Bears again, ever. Forever-ever.

• Tony Dungy has no qualms about speaking at an event for an organization that hates gay marriage.

• The Cardinals assistant coach who likes prostitutes has been fired.

• Shaun Alexander can wait to be deflowered.

• Ted Ginn Jr. hasn't run yet for NFL scouts, and his stock is suffering for it.

• Who's really in charge in Detroit, Millen or Martz? Does Rod Marinelli fit into the picture at all?

• The Patriots continue to buy everything.

• Jake Plummer might have to give the Tampa Bay Buccaneers $7 million. How's retirement treating you, Jake?

• When you give Visanthe Shiancoe over $8 million guaranteed, you get laughed at.