NFL Free Agency on Fantasy Island

Franchise tags and salary-cap concerns play a very important role in real-world wheelings and dealings, but what if the biggest-named free agents were matched with the teams that gave them the best chance to make a Super Bowl run? What would that list look like? Glad you asked.

Yes, this is a strictly fictional account, one that requires you to suspend reality for the next few minutes. But, hey, it's the NFL offseason, which means that there won't be any meaningful football for another seven months. What else do you have to do?

Albert Haynesworth, DT, Broncos
For an idea of how bad Denver's defense was in 2008, consider this: only the 0-16 Lions were worse. On the upside, the Broncos were better against the run (27th overall) than the pass (31st). Haynesworth would immediately change all that; he's an every-down player who constantly requires double-teams, which makes him dangerous no matter the situation. With Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall, Denver's offense can hang 30 on just about anybody. Adding Haynesworth would mean that most of those efforts wouldn't be loss on a no-show defense.

Ray Lewis, MLB/Player Coach, Cowboys
Hardly original, I know (and, yeah, like most of these, really unlikely), but not only would Lewis be a positive influence on his teammates, maybe the histrionics-passing-for-leadership would rub off on the coaching staff, too. For all the accusations that the personnel are responsible for the team's current plight, I'm thinking the front office could use an intervention, Ray-Ray style.

Terrell Suggs, OLB/DE, Jets
It's way too early to confidently call Vernon Gholston a bust, although Jets fans have plenty to be frustrated about. And while new head coach Rex Ryan will undoubtedly get the most out of Gholston (after seeing what he did for Bart Scott, anything's possible), Terrell Suggs would instantly upgrade the outside linebacker/defensive end position. Added benefit: he played for Ryan in Baltimore and wouldn't have to worry about adapting to a new scheme.

T.J. Houshmandzadeh, WR, Dolphins
Not many fans are lamenting the team's decision to pass on Brady Quinn for Ted Ginn, but the Dolphins could use some depth at wideout. Greg Camarillo was a pleasant surprise, but when he landed on injured reserve 12 weeks into the season, Chad Pennington's downfield options were severely limited. Ernest Wilford couldn't have been more disappointing if he changed his name to FredEx. Houshmandzadeh has spent his career in Cincy as a slot receiver but he has the speed to be a deep threat. If nothing else, he'd complement Ginn and Camarillo nicely, and could probably run the Wildcat, as well.

Kurt Warner, QB, Vikings
Most people who claim to know such things say the Vikings are a quarterback away from the Super Bowl. Last year, it was Brett Favre. I'm pretty sure Warner would be an upgrade over the ol' gunslinger. Of course, Warner -- along with the rest of his Cards' teammates -- struggled in snowy Foxboro last December, but Minnesota plays indoors. And if the scheduling gods see fit to have the Vikings travel to Chicago and Green Bay late in the season, there's always Adrian Peterson. Purple Jesus > scheduling gods. Every time.

Nnamdi Asomugha, CB, Patriots
A healthy Tom Brady is all the Pats need to get back to the Super Bowl, but -- and I would be very sad if this somehow happened -- Asomugha would go a long way in shoring up a pitiful New England defense. Obviously, there's still the aged linebacker corps, but Asomugha would be the best shutdown corner to ever play for the Pats. And that includes Ty Law and Asante Samuel.

Dunta Robinson, CB, Cardinals
Rod Hood is the cornerback offenses target when facing the Cardinals. He's serviceable, which is fine if you're talking about the pre-Whisenhunt era, but these are the NFC Champs fresh off a Super Bowl appearance. Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie had a fantastic rookie season, and he would only get better playing alongside Dunta Robinson. Still no word on who will replace Clancy Pendergast, but having DRC, Robinson, and Adrian Wilson in the secondary would make them one of the most formidable defensive backfields in the conference.

Julius Peppers, DE, Texans
I originally had Peppers going to Jacksonville, but Stephanie Stradley made a good point:

"Julius Peppers to the Texans would be more likely to result in a Super Bowl than Julius Peppers to the Jags. The Texans offense was about the same as Arizona and their special teams was better. They need a bookend to Mario Williams. Peppers-Williams would be freaky. Oh, and Julius Peppers' agent is from Houston and he works out here and allegedly he likes it in Houston."

And before you laugh, according to Football Outsiders, the Cards' offense ranked 10th in 2008; the Texans ranked 11th. And now with Richard Smith out of the picture, why not Houston in '09? Particularly with Peppers?

Jordan Gross, LT, Eagles
I originally liked T.J. Houshmandzadeh here, but Enrico talked me out of it. John Runyan is 35, just had surgery on his right knee, and is headed to free agency. Gross is one of the best tackles in football. Houshmazilly would obviously be a welcome addition, but he's not the same caliber of player as Gross.

Antonio Bryant, WR, Ravens
Derrick Mason had a wonderful season, but he's 35 and there's no guarantee the Ravens will bring him back. Mark Clayton has been adequate but nothing more, and although Demetrius Williams should be healthy for training camp, he's only shown flashes. If Cam Cameron hopes to open up the offense next season, Joe Flacco's going to need some weapons. The mercurial Bryant would fit the part nicely.

Brian Dawkins, S, Saints
I think it's fair to say that Josh Bullocks has been a disappointment during his four-year career. As Tom Mantzouranis explained, "He deserves a good share of the punishment bestowed on Jason David and Fred Thomas." Few NFL cornerbacks have been ridiculed to Davidian and Thomasian levels in recent seasons, so Dawkins is a no-brainer here. Sure, he's halfway to 70, but his presence in the secondary makes everybody better. I'm quite certain Bullocks can't make that argument.

Terrell Owens, WR, Giants
Sports Illustrated's Peter King told me to expect TO to get cut so that's what I'm doing. Plaxico Burress' ongoing legal troubles could mean he's not around for the 2009 season, and Owens would seem like a perfectly legitimate substitute. Added bonus: you get all the on-field headaches but with none of the off-field drama.

Previously on FanHouse: Playing Tag: Cassel First of Several Stars Who May Be Franchised