The Once-Over: Week 15

With attention spans dwindling, we forego full game-by-game previews to give you the essentials you need to know about every contest this glorious NFL weekend. Click here to go back in time.

The 1s

Tampa Bay (9-4) at Atlanta (8-5): It is nice that the the NFC South is playing Nikki Hilton to the NFC East's Paris, creating a competitive rivalry for best division in the league. The South is professional, successful and downright fun to watch, as you could see Monday night. I am still riding the "Matt Ryan for MVP" train directly into the station, and he is getting a lot of help from the likes of Brett Favre, Drew Brees and Kurt Warner, who haven't exactly been lighting it up the last few weeks. Both are coming off a loss last week, so if either one of these teams want to keep playoff hopes alive, they must card a victory.

Explain this to me -- we have flex scheduling but can't make this one a primetime event? I don't get it.

Pick: Atlanta

Washington (7-6) at Cincinnati (1-11-1): I'm setting the over/under on penalties in this game at 22.5. After last week's Redskins game, I'm taking the over.

Pick: Washington

Tennessee (12-1) at Houston (6-7): That loss three weeks ago to the Jets has to be the best thing to ever happen to this Titans team. Think about it. You have a rookie running back and a shaky quarterback who has had some absolute arm-pit performances this year, but can still win games. What would be better -- those two players having to continually answer questions about an undefeated season, or just take that lump and move on without the pressure.

Also, since we're talking about Chris Johnson: nice couple of games, sir. He was in a three-game slump, totaling 108 yards on the ground, and has gone off for 261 yards and three touchdowns over the last two weeks. Sure, it was against the Lions and Browns, but a good rushing game is a good rushing game. Sorry, I didn't mean to go all John Madden there on you. How about, "A good rushing game ROCKS!" Better?

Pick: Tennessee

Detroit (0-13) at Indianapolis (9-4): I'm calling it. This is it. No way the Lions lose to a team when they are, incredibly, 0-13. Look at their number! Thirteen!!! It's perfect. Also, the Colts are due for a game to tank. They have been luckier than Bill Gates winning the Powerball all season and have pulled out every single win they needed to. I think this is the game Detroit wins. Call me crazy, hit me in the face, spit on my mother. I think Peyton Manning and crew choke, and in no way am I talking about a fruit salad.

Pick: Detroit

Green Bay (5-8) at Jacksonville (4-9): I like Bruce Ciskie. He's hilarious, and always seems to bring humor and a positive attitude to the group of writers when discussing topics and ideas.

Well, unless you talk about the Packers. If defensive coordinator Bob Sanders was found dead in a gutter with an Apple Macbook Pro put through his neck, I would know exactly who to look at. Bruce is a kind soul who is about two more pitiful defeats away from going Celtic Pride on the Packers front office, except there will be no smiles and happy endings. Just blogger death tallies. I'm telling you. The only good news is they're playing the Jags, who look about as focused as an ADHD 12-year-old that just bonged six Red Bulls and a bottle of 5-Hour Energy.

Pick: Green Bay

San Diego (5-8) at Kansas City (2-11): I'm trying to find the perfect example of how bad this division is. Here is what I came up with.

It would be like a young kid trying to be an actor approaching his father. The young boy says, "Father, what should I watch to be properly trained in the art of acting?" The father rubs his fu manchu, stares into the sky for many minutes in deep thought, and looks back at the boy. "Son," the father says, "go rent I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry."

Pick: San Diego

San Francisco (5-8) at Miami (8-5): It is rather remarkable looking at this Dolphins team to see what they've accomplished. Think about it. Their quarterback is Chad Pennington, a capable quarterback but nothing spectacular. Their running backs are Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams, who are basically the equivalent of Pennington at the back position. Their receiving core is lead by Ted Ginn Jr. and a guy named Greg Camarillo, who, if not injured, might have eclipsed 900 receiving yards this season.

What am I trying to say? Well, I think the Dolphins have overachieved and I have no idea who you compliment for this. I'm going with Bill Parcells, just because the dude is awesome. He's like Bobby Knight, only when he was on ESPN he didn't look like he wanted to kill everyone on the panel with him. Good times.

Pick: Miami

Buffalo (6-7) at NY Jets (8-5): You know when you're watching a NASCAR race (that was obviously rhetorical) and you see the car just start sliding and you know it is so packed on the track that this wreck is going to be bad? Yeah, welcome to the Bills-Jets matchup.

Pick: NY Jets

Seattle (2-11) at St. Louis (2-11): Throw a frisbee. Bake a cake. Try to spell Ben Roethlisberger's name without googling it. Texting your ex-girlfriend from freshman year. Trying to mix the perfect Margarita. Taking shots of Tabasco sauce. Joining MySpace. Selling your bathroom mat on Craigslist. Booking your bachelor party for three years in the future even though you're single. Figuring out which Pacific coast cities will be underwater by 2073. Trying to do seven push-ups with one hand. Trying to do seven push-ups with both hands. Figuring out how Soulja Boy is famous and you are not. Planning your groceries for the next five days. Contemplating the amount of NFL quarterbacks you could beat in a 40-yard dash. Deciding that Daunte Culpepper and Roethlisberger are the only ones. Trying to grasp why people love Petron even though, you know, it sucks. Ironing your Dockers.

These are just some of the things I thought would be more fun than watching this game.

Pick: Seattle

The 4s

Minnesota (8-5) at Arizona (8-5): Since both teams defend the run rather well (neither are allowing over 100 yards a game on the ground), this will be a passer duel. So, with that said, the two behind center are Warner and Tarvaris Jackson. Hahahahahahaha. Hehehehehehe. I literally just spit my coffee out. T-Jack versus The Pope? I think we're about two weeks away from Jackson calling Moises Alou and asking if peeing on your hands can also benefit quarterbacks. I hope the FBI somehow bugs this call.

Pick: Arizona

Pittsburgh (10-3) at Baltimore (9-4): Ben Roethlisberger comes off a game where he looked like an absolute assassin only to be forced to face the Ravens defense? This has tank job written all over it. Forced to play the Ravens on the road when Ray Lewis looks like, well, I couldn't think of anyone crazier than Ray so, himself. I could see an eight-sack day for Baltimore, and I think Ed Reed should be forced to backpedal every interception into the end zone. I mean, it looks way more fun, and justifies those stupid backpedal drills we were forced to do in high school. Damn you Coach Huff!

Pick: Baltimore

Denver (8-5) at Carolina (10-3): I asked Will Brinson to write this, just because his Panthers are awesome (and he isn't so bad himself). Here goes:

"It's rather embarrassing for the Denver Broncos that they haven't clinched the division quite yet. Seriously, think about it -- the Chargers are 5-8. It's Week 15. Grow up and win already, Denver. Or, actually, how about not; the Broncos head to the Cackalacka (BRINSON WILL BE THERE TOO!!!!!!) on Sunday for a matchup against the "Yes, we do seriously plan on beating the Giants and clinching homefield throughout the playoffs, thanks for asking" Carolina Panthers. Worse news for Denver? They cough up 4.9 yards per carry and 140 yards per game. Smash and Dash. Smash. And. Dash."

Pick: Carolina

New England (8-5) at Oakland (3-10): It looks like we're in store for one of those "Matt Cassel goes for 320 yards and three touchdowns and everyone praises him like he's Anthony Kim" games. And you know what? I'm all for it. Cassel has what I like to call "stinkupability." He can tear the field up when playing a terrible team and struggles against tough opponents. He's like Tiger Woods, only the complete opposite. Do you know what the difference in golf and football is? Cassel will still make $14 million next season even if he turns out to suck.

Pick: New England

SNF

NY Giants (11-2) at Dallas (8-5): Picking this game is pointless on a Friday since nobody really knows the status of Brandon Jacobs and Marion Barber. Until that, you don't really know what to expect.

Soooooo, can you talk about Terrell Owens really fast? Okay, thanks. I ask this question of people all the time, but do you think TO has friends? Not his agent or his mom or anyone like that, but real, actual buddies. You know, the guy you can call and ask to pick up your dry-cleaning or the dude who lives far away but will call you to joke about the Suns trade. Those friends. The one that buys you a beer when a girl breaks your heart or spots you in the driveway when you feel the urge to do sit-ups.

I really don't think he does. He seems too insecure and insane (more insane) to imagine tagging along with the guy. It really is pretty sad. I feel bad for TO just because I think the guy has serious mental problems. That or he needs a buddy. Terrell, do you want me to be your friend?

Pick: Cowboys (If Jacobs doesn't play)

MNF

Cleveland (4-9) at Philadelphia (7-5-1): Would you lookie there! The Browns on primetime! The last time they were on Monday night they beat the Giants. I'm not so sure they repeat this feat. We are live chatting this event here at the FanHouse, but only because Ryan Wilson is duct taped to chair with his fingers gingerly placed on ASDF JKL;. That's how we roll.

Pick: Philadelphia