Road Chalk and Alaskan Pipelines is Will Brinson's NFL gambling column at FanHouse. Because everyone loves a loser.
Oh. Hello there. Do you like to
And yes! There will be an occasional Anchorman joke or two. No, seriously though, I guarantee nothing. Instead, what I'll do is probably talk about something in this space, show you the lines, sprinkle some snarky commentary amid quasi-analysis and then make a selection.
Why should you keep coming back? Because, I, a career loser of at least two commas in sports wagering, am either going to thrash Brandon Lang's picks -- I believe he will also be shown on FanHouse each week -- and end up with an insanely high winning percentage, or I will go down in flames faster than David Carr in the face of a two-backer blitz prevent defense.
Onto the winners.
Thursday: Washington Redskins @ New York Giants (- 4.5 )
Nice to know that Vegas is as high on the Giants this year as I am. A 4.5-point line for the defending champs at home in the 2008 season opener? Wow. Impressive. Now, if we can just get Clinton Portis a gap to run through ...
Washington +4.5
Cincinnati Bengals (-1.5) @ Baltimore Ravens
This line has been everywhere. First a pick 'em (Ocho Cinco renaming), then the Bengals -42 (the reported Joey Harrington signing) and then the Ravens -12 (Kyle Boller done for the season) before finally settling at the Bengals -1.5. Both teams are losers, but we have to pick one. And I'll go with a busted-beaked Carson Palmer over some dude named Flacco all day long.
Bengals -1.5
New York Jets (-3) @ Miami Dolphins
One of my favorite things to do is to bet against my fantasy teams. It's a win-win, in theory, even if it doesn't work out that way most of the time. Thomas Jones, for instance, is going to have 150 yards this week, but I'll lose whatever money I don't actually bet on the Fins. Or maybe he goes big and the Fins still win. I just think this whole game smells a little too ... fishy.
Miami +3
Kansas City Chiefs @ New England Patriots (-17 or Infinity, whatever)
I'm fairly confident that this line can't open high enough to warrant taking the Chiefs. Even with Tom Brady hurt. Or trapped in a foreign embassy with Randy Moss and Bill Belichick's fluffer.
Pats -16.5
Houston Texans @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-6.5)
I'm kind of surprised this isn't double figures, to be perfectly honest. I mean, I too like the Texans, what with the general immortality of Mario Williams and the deep threat that is Andre Johnson, but that line's just a teaser. (Which it will be used for frequently, I imagine, as "Steelers +0.5" seems like a stone cold lock to not cover.) The Texans come out and surprise people this week.
Texans +6.5
Jacksonville Jaguars (-3) @ Tennessee Titans
I've got Tennessee pegged as my "biggest flop of 2008" behind the obvious Giants selection, so it seems pretty reasonable to bet against them here. Also, the Jaguars are quite good.
Jags -3
Detroit Lions (-3) @ Atlanta Falcons
Must ... resist ... urge ... to ......... take .......... road ......... chaaaaaaalk. Oh God. I can't do it. Atlanta's horrible, and I think Detroit is too. But maybe the Lions are less horrible, and they just signed Rudi Johnson, and Kevin Smith is secretly a beast, and Calvin Johnson is going to have a breakout season, and Michael Turner is overrated and so is Matt Ryan and ... oh screw it.
Lions -3
I immediately regret my decision.
Seattle Seahawks @ Buffalo Bills (-1)
I am shocked, SHOCKED I say, to see the Bills favored here, just because people generally disrespect them. But I honestly believe they are going to be one of the biggest surprises in the NFL this year, and while Seattle's defense is very good, its offense just ain't ready to start the season. Nate Burleson and Courtney Taylor. Julius Jones and Maurice Morris. Matt Hasselbeck and Charlie Frye. Lamb and Tunafish. Bills and Cover.
Bills -1
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ New Orleans Saints (-3.5)
No way I'm going to be the only jerkstore in America rooting against the Saints in this one. (Aside re: my gambling prowess: I took the Falcons two years ago after Katrina. I swear.)
Saints -3.5
St. Louis Rams @ Philadelphia Eagles (-7.5)
The Rams aren't good right? We learned that last year, right? Because Steven Jackson, Torry Holt and Marc Bulger were healthy all season, right? Exactly. The Eagles are vastly overrated here.
Rams +7.5
Dallas Cowboys (-6) @ Cleveland BrownsDerek Anderson plays and the bet is the Browns. Brady Quinn hits the field and the bet is "mortgage, Cowboys." Anderson looks good to go and really, I'd just like to max bet the over, please. What? Why not? Fine. Whatever. Upset special of the week. Bonus = AOL reader meltdown. Double bonus: More Wade and Jerry.
Browns +6
Carolina Panthers @ San Diego Chargers (-9)
I said before I saw the line that "double digits and it's the Panthers". If I was a good gambler, I would obviously take the Chargers. Crap. Well, I'm going to find out the hard way that my Cats aren't for real. Or, alternately, you will come back to me and beg me for my brilliant advice later down the road.
Panthers +9
Arizona Cardinals (-2.5) @ San Francisco 49ers
Ahhhhhhhhhhh. Road Chalk. (/pops rubber band around arm)
Better than drugs. Certainly better than
Cardinals - 2.5
Chicago Bears @ Indianapolis Colts (-10)
10. The number of points I am willing to spot the Bears here. Also, a number I would feel comfortable with as "over on how many carries Dom Rhodes gets after this game turns into a full-fledged blowout."
Colts -10
Minnesota Vikings @ Green Bay Packers (-2.5)
I think I may have picked the Vikings to win the NFC North. Even though, oddly, I think the Packers are going to win now. There's just something not right about, well, Tavaris Jackson being in charge of a playoff team (although I did spend all last year kind of praising him). Also, here's to never having to hear "Never bet against Favre on Monday Night in Green Bay" ever, ever, ever again.
Packers -2.5
Denver Broncos (-3) @ Oakland Raiders
Every time I keep thinking this is a lock, I keep forgetting that Brandon Marshall isn't playing. And then I go back to thinking about the Raiders/Raiders Over/Clippers Over Sunday Night Special Parlay I used to win on all the time before stupid Shawn Alexander decided to ruin me with his 12 touchdowns in 2001 or thereabouts. And then I forget what I was doing and take the Broncos because they're favored and on the road.
Broncos - 3
Comments (Page 1 of 1)
To expand your readership please explain the (+) and (-) and why they are next to only one team.
The minus means the team is favored to win by that many points, and the plus means they are supposed to lose by that many.
Basically, if you take final score, and do the math with the line ... you then see which teams wins the bet.
An example ... last night's game:
Giants 16, Redskins 7
Redskins were +4.5, so the adjusted final is Giants 16, Redskins 11.5
Thus, the Giants covered.
Don't think I didn't see what you did there, Snyder. Bastard.
COWBOYS ARE GOING TO SMASH ON THEM BROWNIES, WE HAVE TOO MUCH FIRE POWER ALL THE WAY AROUND, THEY DO HAVE A EXPLOSIVE OFFENSE, BUT OUR D CAN CONTAIN, CAN THEY CONTAIN OUR OFFENSE WITH THIER D "NO". POINT AND CASE, COWBOYS WIN 31-10