If Adam Archuleta Makes the Raiders, I'm Trying Out

That's right. You read the headline correctly.

As a Bears fan that sat through Adam Archuleta's futile attempt to play football last year, I have to put my foot down. The Raiders signed him today ... as a linebacker? You have to be kidding me.

Sure, he was once a good -- at best -- player. So was Donnell Woolford. He hasn't collected paychecks in the NFL since 1997, which is about as long as it's been since I played football. Did I play in the NFL? Of course not. I am, however, just as qualified as Adam Archuleta to be compensated for attempting to play football.

Want proof? Let's go to the proverbial tale of the tape:

Size
Archuleta: 6' 223 lbs.
Snyder: 5'8" 165 lbs.
Advantage: Me, of course. I'll be really sneaky instead of stomping around like a Clydesdale out there.

Experience
Archuleta: Seven NFL seasons, age 30.
Snyder: High school ... making me quite the unique American, also age 30.
Advantage: Think about all the wear and tear he's put his body through in seven seasons of the brutal grind. I'm fresh, baby. Sitting around at home blogging keeps a body fit. A spry thirty, to say the least.

Speed
Archuleta: No way he can break five-flat in the 40.
Snyder: Despite having a surgically repaired ACL, I could without breaking a sweat.
Advantage: You know the drill by now.

Salary
Archuleta: League minimum, I hope. Anything more and it's highway robbery.
Snyder: I'll play for less. Scrap the rules just for the sideshow. $100K me, Al. I'll get by with the lucrative blogging dough as supplemental income.

Strength
Archuleta: I didn't see him tackle anyone single-handedly all year last season ... and he plays DB. Can wideouts really be that hard to trip up?
Snyder: The only working out I've done since my senior year at IU are 12 16 oz. curls (love those tall-boys). The biceps are good and ready.
Advantage: Bring him on.

Intangibles
Archuleta: I'm guessing he doesn't have any because he believes he's entitled to be on an NFL roster ... on the other hand ...
Snyder: Wouldn't you rather have a guy on the team who is out there having the time of his life and believes he probably doesn't belong -- yet doesn't want to do anything that would allow it to slip away?
Advantage: Vince Papale, Jr. aka Matt Snyder.

As you can see from the above, I have absolutely zero qualification to play in the NFL ... which is more than Archuleta has.

If he makes the team, I'm writing a letter/email/placing a phone call ... anything ... to Al Davis to demand I get a try-out.

One thing is for sure, getting worked in an NFL practice won't be anywhere near as difficult as it was to stomach a season of Adam Archuleta in my favorite team's garb. I'll take the ruptured spleen from a Jake Long-type over watching Archie try to guard a tight end any day (good God was he brutal last season).