The Prelude, Week 4: There Are No One-Night Stands in the NFL

Matt Ufford is the editor of With Leather and a co-founder of Kissing Suzy Kolber. The Prelude is his sincere examination of the coming NFL weekend.

Somewhere in American culture, there's a reigning notion that the fourth date is the proper time for two romantically interested parties get to know each other intimately. Of course, there's a wide spectrum for the timing of Biblical knowledge -- from the wedding night to a cursory greeting and an exchange of money -- but an accepted norm (from what I hear) is the fourth date.

So, too, is it in the NFL.

I'm not saying anyone outside of Minnesota is actually having sex with entire NFL teams -- but those first three games of the NFL season play out in the same manner as the early stages of dating. Prepare yourselves for some metaphors that I've mixed like a dirty martini at the Rainbow Room.

Erste date. Oh, you may have gotten some scouting reports from friends. You've got film from last season. But which team will show up? Is the defense sturdier than you expected? Who knew they had a breakout season planned for that particular asset?

Second date. What you expect was what you saw in the first week, but -- more often than not -- you see a completely different performance. Sometimes it clicks; sometimes it can be a little awkward. Sometimes the offense is already out of tricks and it just sputters along for hours.

Third date. Finally, you start seeing some trends. You can't quite predict performance, but you're not too surprised by anything, either. Just don't be distracted by what they're wearing -- those are throwbacks, and they have nothing to do with performance. Don't be mad at them; they were just trying to impress you.

Week 4

Here we are. The fourth date, where we finally get to know our teams intimately. What do we stand to learn? Let's take a look at the games, grouped by what you might do if your successful fourth date spills over into Sunday. (Note: some games omitted to alienate readers.)

Early Games (brunch, large sunglasses, mussed hair)

Packers (3-0) at Vikings (1-2) -- We may very well learn that Tarvaris Jackson has no future in the NFL, regardless of what Joe Theismann thinks. More importantly, a 4-0 Packers team would be officially stamped "for real" -- however much that counts in the NFC North.

Jets (1-2) at Bills (0-3) -- A New York state stinker of a double date. Unless the Jets falter, we're about to learn that Lee Evans is disappointing, Paul Posluszny is injured, and J.P. Losman is disappointing and injured. Marshawn Lynch may be the only source of hope for this team.

Texans (2-1) at Falcons (0-3); Raiders (1-2) at Dolphins (0-3) -- Does any 0-3 team stand a chance this week? Smart money says that Miami is the best bet at home against Oakland -- despite another week without Andre Johnson, the Texans' defensive line should be enough to keep Joey Harrington off-balance to get the win. A lot of fans are going to begin pulling away emotionally.

Bears (1-2) at Lions (2-1) -- Better study some film for this one (warning: animal violence)...

The Bears somehow managed to work their way into a tie for last place in the NFC North after just three weeks. Were those just tough losses, or are Detroit and Green Bay the better teams? We're about to find out if new starter Brian Griese is better for Chicago than deposed Sex Cannon Rex Grossman.

Late Games (lingering goodbye)

Bucs (2-1) at Panthers (2-1) -- A pair of unpredictable Southern belles. Oh, they've been mostly sweet to start the year. But watch out -- they've got a temper, and can melt down at any time. Winner of this game establishes division control in the absence of the vacationing Saints.

Seahawks (2-1) at 49ers (2-1) -- Finally, we shall learn which American city full of cross-bred hippie-yuppies has the superior football team. (Last year the Seahawks were the better team but went 0-2 against San Francisco behind Herculean efforts from Frank Gore. Field Gulls, a Seahawks blog, is prepared for more of the same.)

Chiefs (1-2) at Chargers (1-2) -- Herm Edwards and Norv Turner: worst coaches in the NFL, or worstest coaches? Yeesh. These guys left a trail of wreckage, but somehow you thought you might be able to "fix" them. Wrong.

Steelers (3-0) at Cardinals (1-2) -- This game has "break-up sex" written all over it. I'm not quite sure what I mean by that, but the Steelers seem to be doing very well without Ken Whisenhunt and Russ Grimm, thankyouverymuch.

Sunday Night ("I had fun" text message)

Eagles (1-2) at Giants (1-2) -- A couple of pretty girls without scintillating personalities. Will we see the the disappointing Eagles from Weeks 1 and 2, or the electric Eagles from Week 3? The state of the Giants defense suggests the latter.

Monday Night (resist temptation to call)

Patriots (3-0) at Bengals (1-2) -- If the Rudi Johnson-less Bengals can somehow upset the Pats, it will be the equivalent of a fourth date that ends like The Crying Game.



1. TV Distribution Maps: CBS gets the doubleheader this week: early games; late games. FOX's solo games are here. Why most of Ohio and western New York are getting Seattle-San Francisco, I have no idea.

2. NFL Style Watch: The unanimous opinion on the Eagles' throwback uniforms seems to be that they're horrendous. This may be true in a strictly in a visual sense, but I suspect many Philly fans may look upon them fondly.

My favorite team wears a monochromatic blue uniform with neon green piping that is universally discounted as, at best, an eyesore. But the Seahawks never accomplished much wearing silver and white. Since their change to the mystery shade of blue, they've managed a Super Bowl appearance and a string of NFC West titles. I like those awful uniforms, just because the team wins in them.

I'm sure plenty of fans would be okay with their team wearing flesh-colored uniforms with bright pink helmets, as long as they won 56-21 every week.

3. Oh, hey! Look, everybody -- Tony Parker and Eva Longoria must be back from their honeymoon.

4. Angry Commenter of the Week: Last week "Eileen" didn't like my statements about Donovan McNabb's controversial comments. She wrote, in part, "Hey Matt, do your homework ... that interview with Donovan was taped in August. Irresponsible blogging strikes again."

A valid point, Eileen. However, I think the larger point I was trying to make was that we should all strive for racial harmony. I'm sorry if that offended you.

5. Derek Anderson Watch: Speaking of commenters, this is a reminder that Tom Dickerson thought I owed an apology to the Browns' slow-footed mastodon Derek Anderson after his breakout performance against the Bengals. Last week Anderson completed 18-of-37 passes for 248 yards, 1 TD, and 2 INTs in a loss to the Raiders.

Where's MY apology, Tom? Huh? I can't heeeeeeeearrrrr youuuuuuuuu.

6. For those of you who are put off by my unnecessary needling of the people who cared enough to take the time and provide me with feedback, I recommend the automatic complain-letter generator.

7. This week marked the beginning of Oktoberfest. While I lament that I have no Irish heritage to excuse my consumption of brown liquor, I can at least blame my hearty beer intake to the 25% of my blood that comes from Deutschland. As such, I thought it only fitting to honor the dirndl, the traditional Bavarian dress that is so much more tasteful than its lederhosen brother.
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8. The Anti-Michael Vick? Yes, it's possible to love animals too much.

9. If you have time to kill, the Top Ten Old School NFL Commercials is worth a trip down memory lane. That Jim McMahon was such a rebel! With his sunglasses and his Honda scooter.

10. I Love My Own Work: In the first Prelude, I wrote about the inverse relationship of hope and knowledge as the season progresses. It's Week 4, and we see knowledge of our teams beginning to replace hope. In some cases (Patriots), the knowledge is that a team is dominant, and hope becomes a vestigial feeling. When the knowledge is of a team's haplessness (see: Bills), hope gets placed on hold until the offseason.

Hope makes for a better story; hope warms the heart while knowledge cools the head. Keep hope alive -- root for the underdog this week.