The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 05

I was really hoping that Tony Kornheiser would let loose a little bit this week. After last Monday night's flaccid performance, he penned a mid-week article in the Washington Post criticizing himself for not taking more chances, and for holding back on things that he knew would be funny. He recognized the problem, and I thought maybe he'd set about fixing it.

He didn't. He didn't score with any deep balls, but he did have a couple of positive plays. Really, it was more of the same, and I'm getting damn tired of doing this every week. I'd prefer that he was terrible. Really, I would... at least then it would be noteworthy. Instead, I end up spitting out the same, "eh, Tony didn't really say much of interest last night" every damn week... and if it doesn't change, I'm going to turn more and more vitriolic as time passes.

Some of the highs and lows, and then their football equivalent:

• ESPN had a ready-made graphic with the players on Kornheiser's fantasy team, and we learned two things from it. 1) Tony Kornheiser has no intention of stopping this anytime soon, and 2) Tony Kornheiser doesn't have a fantasy football team. He has a team on ESPN.com, one of the ones where you pick different players every week, and they all have different salaries, and you have to stay under the salary cap with your roster. That's not fantasy football. And Kornheiser admitted that he had Jake Plummer in the line-up this week because he was on Monday Night Football, so even if he did have a fantasy team, it wasn't an honest effort at it. Kornheiser fumbles in the open field.

• Derrick Mason made a catch along the sidelines, and the officials reviewed it to make sure that Mason had his feet in bounds. He got his left foot down, his right foot down, and then his left again. Joe Theismann says Mason "had three feet in." Kornheiser says, "If he had three feet in, it would be front page news." Kornheiser runs off tackle for a gain of three.

• Early in the game, Joe Theismann explained how Jake Plummer was attempting to use a "hard count" to draw the defense offsides, and demonstrated what a hard count might sound like. Kornheiser made fun of him for it, saying "maybe later you can explain 'offsides' and 'the two point conversion'." I was personally irritated by this comment... a guy who didn't have any idea what a "silent count" was earlier this season (as Theismann rightly pointed out) is going to criticize someone for explaining something? Especially when that guy has been so sensitive to criticism himself? Get over yourself, man. Kornheiser throws an interception, blames his offensive line for poor protection, and then picks up a 15-yard personal foul for complaining to the officials.

• Theismann is making a point about the Denver zone-blocking scheme, pointing out how they all move left at the snap of the ball, and just block whoever's in front of them. Theismann says that they "step together." Kornheiser says, "The Temptations also stepped together and it worked out very well for them." Kornheiser plows ahead for a gain of two.

• This wasn't entirely Tony Kornheiser's fault (I'd blame the people at ESPN/ABC who insist on continuing this absolute nightmare), but the celebrity-in-the-booth segement tonight was the worst one yet. James Denton of "Desperate Housewives" was in the booth, and, as you would expect, contributed nothing to the game or the broadcast. Denton, who I had never heard of, actually came off of a pretty likable guy, though I still don't want him to have any kind of a part in doing commentary on the football games I watch. Tirico, Kornheiser and Theismann acted like idiots in the booth with Denton, gleefully asking questions that they thought were pretty amusing, questions that Denton just seemed like he was suffering through, like the would if he was stuck in an elevator with three overzealous "Desperate Housewives" fans. Kornheiser contributes to a play that lost roughly 48 yards, and embarrassed and injured everyone in the entire organization.

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

10-10-2006 @ 1:22AM

Smurf said...

Having a joker in the booth isn't a bad idea... they're just going about it all wrong.

They need to watch the WWE. Wrestling has a straight man doing play-by-play, and some ex-wrestler with a bit of personality doing the color commentary.

That way.... it's not quite over the top. The ex-pro knows what he's talking about, and sort of colors it in with his personality. Jerry Lawler has made a fortune being this guy, and both Taz and Jesse Ventura were/are superb. Bobby Heenan was the closest they came to an outright comic, but even he had been in the game for like 80 years beforehand.

Who could do it for the NFL? Offhand, I'd say that they should go after a colorful black guy with a bass voice... but I'm French, and I sometimes trip over cross-cultural American stuff.

10-10-2006 @ 1:45AM

DJTennessee said...

How 'bout they get Bobby Heenan for the celebrity-in-the-booth segment? That's almost enough to make me want to sit through a Ravens game!

MJD -- you do NOT want to listen to the Marv Albert/Boomer Esiason radio broadcast, no matter how bad ESPN gets. While Marv is arguably the best on Earth, Esiason has the "petulant 11-year-old" thing mastered and no one on set is alpha enough to put him in time out.

10-10-2006 @ 1:49AM

Brian Stouffer said...

Kornheiser is a disaster. I usually watch MNF in a bar with the volume down, so this was my first up-close chance to listen to him. He makes me want to claw my eyeballs out.

First, he called Denver a cow town where every sports team is meaningless except the Broncos. Right, because the Avalanche have broken every NHL record for consecutive home sellouts (every single game of their existence) and won two Stanley Cups. Don't disrespect my hometown and our fans, man.

And fantasy sports? Unbelievable. I get seriously pissed off when a guy at the bar says, "Nice pass, Plummer, you're really helping out my fantasy team!", but to hear a professional broadcaster say it during a game? Ridiculous.

10-10-2006 @ 8:34AM

Teresa said...

Kornheiser is more than a disaster. He is an annoyance and more. Women watch football too and last night, his question to the Desperate Housewives guest (ABC promotion during the game) was disrespectful at best. He ought to be canned just for that. And it ought to bother some men in the crowd too.

10-10-2006 @ 11:44AM

M Morse said...

Tony Kornheiser is the worst thing you have done for Monday Night Football. You have about twenty professionals all over the field and in the booth reporting on the game and the players and then you put a stupid jerk like Tony in the booth and the whole broadcast looks stupid just because of his stupid comments. Please get rid of him before your ratings fall.

10-10-2006 @ 11:41AM

Tony Kornheiser is making Monday Night Football into a laughing stock of all of football. ESPN has hired all of these professionals to report all over the field and stadium to get the best information out to the fans before, during and after the game and then you have a stupid jerk like Tony Kornheiser in the booth during the game and making a fool of all of everybody who is involved with the broadcast. Please from a huge fan of ESPN and Monday Night Football get rid of Tony before he runs off alot of your fans.

10-10-2006 @ 11:31AM

Steve said...

I've tried to be as patient as I can with Tony, but when he asked the question of James Denton (who did come across well, imho) to rank the women of Desperate Housewives in the order he'd like to sleep with, I lost what little patience I had left. Please, its bad enough just to listen to the arrogance of Theisman, but to couple it with Kornheiser's fumbling thoughts frustrates me enough to send me looking to see if others feel the same. Hence, I found the "Kornheiser Chronicles" and now can spend a moment venting about my dissatisfaction with sympathetic fans. I love football, but the hype...yuk.

10-10-2006 @ 1:31PM

bob childers said...

Tony is even more stupid than he was when the season started, think what he will be buy the end of december. The average NFL fan has worked all day on monday and just wants to sit down and watch the game on monday night and un-wind and enjoy themselves, when this know-it-all goes to talking the relaxing and enjoying stops and the rebellion starts. The next time tony goes to denver he needs to miss stupid school, get out and see just how pretty that area is. Bob Childers

10-10-2006 @ 8:47PM

len shapiro said...

Hey, Tony's a big boy and can take the criticism, but whoever is writing the Kornheiser chronicles ought to at least have the guts to sign their name to this two-bit swill.

10-11-2006 @ 10:32PM

Eric said...

I did like when Tony started talking about how odd it was that the entire Broncos' defensive line used to play for the Browns, and when Theisman noted that the Broncos hired the Browns' defensive line coach too responded, "They had too--he knew all the guys." That was funny.

But then Tony started talking about his fantasy team again and I threw something at the TV.

mjd said...

Two-bit swill? Is this 1922?

10-11-2006 @ 1:15PM

Joel Kleppinger said...

That's not really your best comeback, is it?

10-11-2006 @ 2:10PM

10-11-2006 @ 8:05PM

Gary said...

Hey, Len Shapiro! the word, "whoever" refers to the singular and the word, "their" to the plural. If you're going to construct a sentence defending this pain in the ass, please do it correctly. The problem with Korn boy is that he isn't a big boy. In fact, I'm not even convinced he was ever a boy. When you're watching a MNF game and you find yourself preferring any female analyst over this idiot, you know MNF is in deep trouble. Every time he speaks, you want to smack him across his mouth. I know many women who don't even watch football who could do a better job in the booth than this sentimental hack. The fact is, ABC has made a huge mistake in hiring Kornheiser, only they're going to torture us every damn game this season because, like you, they don't want to admit that he will never be a big enough boy to fill the huge shoes of the great Howard Cosell. Hell, even his name is awful. Can anyone imagine this chicken neck playing football? You can just hear it now, "come on Kornheiser, get in there and hit somebody." Oh, please! Gary Berman